Bad ideas

i called in fat to a meeting today. okay, i did have a minor scheduling conflict but i thought i might make it back in time for the wine and cheese. however, when i went to get dressed, i couldn't find anything to wear. i am still too big for all of my spring outfits, and i am bored bored bored with the two skirts that fit.

although i have a theoretical commitment to getting my body back in the right way, through sensible eating and regular exercise, and although i know intellectually that three weeks is not a long time to be off effexor, all of that means precisely nothing when i'm standing in my closet unable to zipper my trousers. what i think then is not "just be patient, you're on the right track," or "you gained this weight two pounds per month and you'll lose it just as slowly," or "it's what's on the inside that counts." nope. what i think then is: i should find myself a good crystal meth dealer. ever seen a fat junkie?

happily, i can recognize this as a Bad Idea. there are things that just happen to have hideous consequences, things you can't do anything about, like the time in grade 8 when i mistook the family garbage for my bookbag and carried it to school. what makes a bad idea a Bad Idea is being able to foresee its consequences and doing it anyway.

anyway, this latest notion puts me to mind of several other Bad Ideas i've had in my life, such as:

-- signing up for timeshare info using my real phone number

-- forgetting it was halloween and wearing my spiffy red-and-white outfit to school (red pants, a red doo-rag, a red-and-white gingham shirt, a red leather bowtie and red North Stars)

-- the pyramid scheme all my toronto friends were getting rich on

-- getting my hair done at a joint called "salon dada"

-- mixing peach schnapps with gin and scotch and then, in an effort to mask the breath (i was in junior high), peanut butter

-- flipping the bird at that guy in a pick-up truck in a mcdonald's parking lot

-- playing the second half of a soccer game after tearing my ACL in the first half

-- that "shortcut" in the bugaboos, in the august snow

-- raw eggplant canapes.

then again, i lived through all of those, didn't i? and i just heard about this new product called "herbal magic" that promises to melt away pounds. that can't hurt, can it?